Fear

“ When you begin to give up on fear, you begin to really live.”



There was a time when my entire life was couched in fear; every decision, every conscious thought, every action was framed by what was the worst that could happen. Most of my fears were focused on my children but some of it was for me as well. “What if,” often lulled me to sleep. Not the most peaceful or trusting way to live my life and certainly contrary to what I professed spiritually.

Once I actually called the police to report Kelsey missing. I can still recall the blinding panic, how scattered my mind felt as I tried to remember what she had been wearing when she left for school. The dramatic end came when I suddenly remembered her telling me that she was going to the library with a friend to finish a school project. Relieved that my worst nightmare didn't come true, I drove to the library and rushing inside I embraced a very confused Kelsey.

The worst missing child story happened when BZ was babysitting all three of my kids. Their house had an enormous backyard complete with a racket ball court, covered dog run and a built-in pool. During the winter and spring months the pool was an algae-filled, murky green, gross body of water. Arriving to pick up the kids I began visiting with BZ as she and Bob were working on their spring yard clean up. When I finally called the kids to leave Peter was nowhere to be found. We checked all the normal spots a five year old might hide. As the minutes passed we all thought about but didn’t say out loud, “What about the pool?” I could hear my voice becoming more and more hysterical as we retraced all the possible place he could be. I imagined him being pushed in a car, walking away with some seedy stranger offering candy or silently slipping into that pool. Seeing Bob and BZ’s grim expression did nothing to quell the panic. Just as Bob was getting ready to jump into that cess-like-pool we heard one of the kids say, “Here he is, he’s in the dog house!” Peter, that little creep (yes, that’s harsh but. . . ), had been hiding in the dog house for nearly 40 minutes as we screamed his name over and over again! I didn’t know whether to kiss or spank him. For several months after I was bothered with the ‘what if’ and how awful and panicked I felt.

I worried about all their safety; cars, kidnappers, drug lords, odd headaches they complained about, strange rashes they showed me, crazy dreams they shared with me. They learned fairly quickly that their mom was a worry-wart. Now, at this point in my life I think about what sort of influence I had on them. How much did I miss and what did I cause them to miss? What did I teach them by my irrational fear?

More recently - and without sounding too dramatic, I have had some truly bad things happen, things that have been outside my idea of how my life should progress. Imagine! (that’s sarcasm)

What I did learn from all this is that fear is truly one of the biggest obstacles to living a full life. Pushing the envelope, moving outside your comfort zone, turning around and facing the ‘roar’ is scary but it is also life-giving, empowering, and spiritual. Giving up on fear has been one of the best gifts I’ve received in this left turn my life has taken. I’m not going to climb any mountains, nor am I going to take up sky diving or race car driving – hell, I don’t even ride my bike THAT FAST. But I am going to say yes and trust more often. Schmaltzy as it may sound, behind every cloud there is a rainbow. The release of ‘what if’ is my rainbow, it is my YES to life.