Random Thoughts

Every once in awhile a name from my past pops into my head. Today I thought about Jenna T., a fellow high school cheerleader. While I was doing some mundane task her name inexplicably floated through my consciousness and I wondered if she had any siblings. She was someone I spent two whole years around and all I could recall about her is that once we had practice at her house and the song Brandy by Looking Glass was playing in the background. As I thought a little harder I recalled that she allegedly did ‘it’ in the shower with Don W., a really tall basketball player I had a crush on. Poor girl, high school can really ruin your reputation on the words of a gossipy adolescents who was probably jealous to begin with and now, 35 years later, that’s all she can remember.

I wish I could line up everyone I ever knew in my life and talk to them – to dig deep and get a sense of who they really are and learn what is vitally important to them. Especially from an adult perspective, wouldn’t it be interesting to see your parents, aunts, uncles, priest, school janitor or lunchroom lady as one adult to another? Would they be the type of people you would chose as friends? What would you learn about yourself and how you tick if you could see them through your current lenses and not the cloudy, dependent and prejudiced ones you see through as a child?

Perhaps it was foreshadowing but I remember a random This American Life about a couple who became reacquainted at their 40th high school reunion. They were both in long, established marriages but rekindled their relationship, left their spouses and began a life together. My friend BZ’s mom’s old high school boyfriend called her up after his wife died. Lois and Dwayne had dated all through high school and broke up when he went into the army. Lois had been widowed for nearly 25 years when she married Dwayne and they enjoyed almost fifteen years together before he passed away. Another woman I know told me that when her relationship ended she happened to be watching the Maury Polvich show about finding old loves and she was prompted to find her high school boyfriend – he too had just ended his relationship and they eventually married. My former husband did the same thing, the only difference was that he was still married to me. That was a bitter pill to swallow and one that I still have occasional sadness around. I do wish him well. I understand why we are prompted to connect to these people. He or she is the one who knew you before you carried that gigantic amount of baggage; who accepted you before you even knew yourself and wow, those first loves always seem to be the most powerful. I understand the tug and the power of the longing of the heart.

There is that temptation to contact my old boyfriends. Who are you now and would we feel the same about one another if we were to meet again? Apparently there is a lot of evidence to say there would be a connection. But if he is in an established relationship and something was to be rekindled, the pill that occasionally still sticks in my throat would be too painful if I knew that another woman was swallowing the same one. And so I just wonder and keep the contact to a minimum.

What do you remember about the people in your past? With the Internet it is so much easier to find old flames and see what they’re up to. But if you do, please be gentle with the people who are currently in your life . . . it’s a long road to their recovery. There is a tremendous amount of self-doubt, second guessing, regrets, wishes, anger, sadness and loneliness. But like all troubled times, there is a gift in it; a second chance, a new beginning, hopefulness and joy. That’s the road I’m on now and I can finally feel my feet, my head is clearing up and my vision is sharper. My prayer for all those who may be on that troubled road is that you have someone who is there to comfort and guide you. I promise you there is an end to the pain, there is a new beginning if you just shut the window on the past and open the door.