The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Circa 1979: Phil Donahue has four women on the stage, all recently divorced from long term marriages, all of their marriages ended because their husbands had affairs and were in various stages of dating, living with or marrying the new woman. The women on the stage were wounded, struggling and in various stages of recovery. Phil was exploring with these women what went wrong . . . how were they responsible for the end of their marriage, brainstorming with the audience’s help what could they have done to change the outcome. With the backdrop of Melissa and Kelsey’s toddler chattering, I listened intently, determined that this wouldn’t happen to me . . .


So far the worst coffee meeting has been with whom we’ll call, Mr. Crusty. He was aptly named because the entire time I was talking to him all I could think about is how I wanted to get him in a headlock and exfoliate his face. It made me realize the power of the written word and how Photoshop has ruined the credibility of a photograph.

Mr. Crusty described himself as an “active professional,” one who loved to run, bike, hike and travel. He liked nothing better than an exhilarating bike ride, a good long run, a day spent in the woods or an afternoon floating on a boat in La Paz. I should have focused in more on the “afternoon floating” because judging from his health and body type that is all he would actually be able to accomplish. Weighing in at a minimum 250LBS on his 5’10” frame, it was hardly conducive to running or hiking. Adding to that, his recent back surgery left him walking as if he was trying to balance a cup of coffee on his lower back. The man looked uncomfortable.

Within the first 15 minutes he was well into bragging about his home, his income, his prowess in the business world – who he knew, blah, blah, blah. This was enough to call it quits but when he disclosed that he had been married “several times” I knew he exceeded my two marriage limit and now officially was off the charts in reasons why I needed to end the meeting and end it quick. Uncomfortable as I was I decided to go for the soft approach and waiting for him to take a breath I said, “You know, our lifestyles don’t seem very compatible. You mentioned that you were interested in putting a boat in the water and spending a month in La Paz, I don’t have that kind of vacation time.”

Looking shocked, he responded,” If you’re not interested, then just say, ‘I’m not interested’ but don’t make excuses.”

Pausing first to gather my thoughts, I said, “ Okay, I’m not interested.”

Chagrined he blustered, “I would never say that to someone’s face, I would never say that to you, I would never be that direct and hurt a person’s feelings.”

“I’m sorry. I consider myself a fairly direct person but I am not comfortable intentionally hurting someone’s feeling ( I wanted to add, especially sitting 18 inches apart), this is the awkward part about online dating, letting someone know that you aren’t interested – I was trying to let you know in a gentle way. But, you made it sound as if you wanted me to speak more direct. You’re a nice man, I’m sorry, but it just isn’t going to work.”

“Well, you’re a nice lady and I guess I understand.” With that we got up, shook hands and went our separate ways. The whole meeting took less than 20 minutes but it wasn’t an entire waste of time, I got to have my new favorite afternoon drink; half passion tea and half lemonade and didn’t even have to pay for it – so I got that going for me.

Hey, does anyone have any needles handy? I need to poke them in my eyes . . . not sure how much longer I’m willing to subject myself to this very special sort of torture.