I did my favorite thing this evening: I worked out, came home, vacuumed my entire house (okay, it's a small house) drew a bath and poured myself a halfway decent glass of wine; lit some candles, soaked and let my mind wander. Oh, and I had an added feature; Pandora - Van Morrison, was playing on my i-phone. The only problem with using my i-phone for music accommodations is I really can't fool myself into thinking I'm missing calls because I can't hear them. When a call comes into your i-phone the music fades and the call comes through. The sad fact is, no one called me this evening . . . but I'm over that and moving on.
Tonight I feel a little lonely. It's just me, myself and I. It's not like it surprises me in anyway, I was never good with the whole 'dating' thing when I was in high school and college. Truly, I didn't expect it to be any different now. Some of my girlfriends have various ideas of how I might be doing this dating thing incorrectly or giving the wrong message. The truth be told: I just plain suck at it. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to act; I can't read the subtle signs the guy might be giving me; I can't figure out if he's "just not into me." Let's just say, its not my favorite thing to do.
The truth is: I'd like to have someone to talk to, I'd like to have someone to bounce ideas off, reflections, attitudes, experiences, joy, sorrows, gossip, you name it; someone who cares about me, wants the best for me, interested, intrigued, invested. I guess I speak for every woman who is over 40 and on her own. It's not like I want to get married or have a full-on boyfriend but I do want a 'companion' someone I can hang out with, someone I can care for, someone that is interesting, funny, spiritual, active; okay that all sounds pathetic and sort of like a single's ad, but I hope you get the gist of what I'm trying to say.
It brings to mind an encounter I had several years ago. A woman I worked with had been recently divorced and when I asked her how her life was going and how she was feeling, she commented to me that before the divorce she thought her life would be totally different, she described a sort of "Sex in the City" expectation. I remember thinking that she was totally disillusioned, her mind was in some sort of reality-based TV universe. It didn't surprise me that she spent many nights on her own. I guess it surprised me that she wasn't more aware of how life's reality would play out.
So I guess where I'm going with all this is; there is a lot of really amazing things that I've discovered about being on my own. I do really like the quiet, the solitude, the opportunity to reflect so deeply at where I'm at, what direction I want to point myself in. But like all things there is a Ying and Yang to it all. That's what I'm discovering. Where will this all take me . . . God only knows. But for tonight, I'm enjoying my glass of wine, I've steamed some green beans and soon I'll go to bed . . . all on my own timeline and that's not such a bad thing after all. I am thrilled that I'm a grandmother even as it freaks me out . . . can I really be that old?? I love the opportunities that God has given me . . . new beginning, new perspective, there is so much to learn and absorb . . .
Garden update on the first day of summer!
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